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Danica Patrick Is No Longer A Rookie: She Just Races Like One

posted by Draft Day Suit
Wednesday, September 19, 2012 at 5:38pm EDT

A (usually) humorous look at sports written by popular parent bloggers and some of their friends.

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Richmond International Speedway was the venue for Danica Patrick’s 50th Nationwide Series race two Fridays ago. That right — 50th. Not 5th. Or even 15th, but 50th. I point this out only because if you watched her race that night, you’d never know she had so many laps under her belt. Because despite the fact that Danica Patrick is no longer a rookie, she still races like one.

 

Danica Patrick

Oooh. Alluring.

And the latest victim of her ineptitude was none other than Brad Sweet — the poor guy she took out on lap 144. Despite the fact that her spotter had just told her that Sweet was “still at your quarter,” Danica decided to slide on up the track anyway and the ensuing wreck brought out a caution — the twelfth time Danica has been in a flag-drawing collision this year.

The bad news is that her Chevrolet required a ton of repairs behind the wall which relegated her to a 29th-place finish — the ninth time she’s finished outside of the top 25 this year.

The good news? She may have picked up a new sponsor — one that’s looking to capitalize on an undeniable trend when it comes to Danica – ChWrex Mix

Okay, complete bullshit, I just made that up. But still, someone should really look into that, because it’s my personal take that while strike-through font may be way overdone in the blogosphere, it would look absolutely kickass on a Chevy driving at 185 mph.

While spinning into a wall.

After the accident, Danica was all like “I’m so sorry fellas, for wrecking into everyone’s car and whatnot,” but crew chief Tony Eury Jr. didn’t seem to mind, or so she must have gathered from the trite reassurances he reportedly gave her. It’s clear that she’s not up to snuff, but it’s just as clear that it really doesn’t matter — Patrick will be racing in the Sprint Cup Series in 2013 come hell, high water, or just a shit-ton of damaged fenders.

But before you slap your forehead in frustration and ask Why?! WHY?! in your best Nancy Kerrigan voice, allow me to tell you.

Money.

Yes, I’m sure you already understand this, but Danica draws the dollars, y’all, most notable from Go Daddy who has transformed this girly grease monkey into a sex symbol of sorts. And I, for one, totally don’t get it. Because I’m here to tell you — reasonably attractive though she may be, Danica Patrick’s got the sexuality of a thimble.

Oh well. Not that big of a deal, right? Danica will keep going ’round and ’round the track because she attracts the big sponsors who pay the big bucks, which, of course, means that she’ll continue to bring her awkward brand of sexuality to the difficult-to-watch Go Daddy commercials and all will be good.

You know. Unless you’re at her back quarter. Then you’re fucked.

Oh, and for all you freaks who just clicked on this link because of the picture of her in a bikini — (a) here you go, GET YOU SOME and (b) do you really think you’d find her all that hot if it weren’t for your girls-in-the-garage fetish?

danica patrick swimsuit danica patrick bikini beach

She looks so natural. Okay, no she doesn't.

source, source, source

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There are 2 comments on this post. Join the discussion!

dreamer 2 says:

The biggest hack writer is the world has posted his inane crap and completely made himself look like a fool. His homosexual pervert remarks make him look like a clown. He`s never raced so his mouth shows his stupidity. He better go get his diaper changed

Thursday, October 18, 2012 at 4:28pm EDT

Crimson says:

Hey dreamer - What's with this comment? The author is right, Patrick hasn't won jack and has made millions doing it. I don't know if the author has ever raced or not but it doesn't take racing experience to comment on her obvious lack of performance and leverage into the women's market.

The only person looking like a clown right now is you.

Thursday, October 18, 2012 at 8:28pm EDT

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